1/25/04 † 8:47 p.m. Retreat Part II- KILLING JEALOUSY

Okay, let me write this before I forget the very important lesson God taught me this weekend on the retreat I went on.

I went through alot of ups and downs while I was there...sleep got the better of me, and this little evil green thing we like to call jealousy, got a hold of me and it wasn't until today that I let go of that jealousy bug. I feel so much better now...I just wish I had let go sooner, I would've been a much more fun person to be around.

The whole thing started when one of the guys that I had met awhile ago, but not seen for quite a few months, I didn't even notice as I sat down, until he tapped my shoulder, and we started talking again...so I thought, "great, now we'll get to I'll get to know him better.

See, I've known him for 9 months (although I've only seen him maybe 6 times out of that), and the only thing I know about him is his name and that he's in the military.

But then the girl I was sitting next to got cold, we switched seats, and she started talking to him, and well...that was that...She accomplished more in that one hour on the way up to the retreat and in the next couple of days that followed, than I had ever accomplished...but then, who wouldn't?? Only I am THAT quiet.

Don't get me wrong- I didn't and don't like this guy that way (YES, it IS possible to be jealous of someone and not actually have feelings for them!!!). But I wanted to try and finally know more about him as my brother once told me that he had asked about me and said to say hello once when I hadn't made it to the college group one night (which is huge- around 300 people), and then I just missed that chance because she was with him almost all the time the rest of the weekend, and I am not one of those girls to stand in line to talk to a guy, OR follow a guy around in hopes of talking to him...

This girl is kinda a friend- she's in one of my classes and so we sit together and I see her at two different Christian college groups, and basically, she's kinda done the same thing with one of my ACTUAL guy friends (you know, someone I actually know on a deeper basis), and so the jealousy actually started a little while back...but it's not HER fault I'm like this, and she shouldn't stop flirting with guys just because it bothers me.

I've noticed that I have this HUGE wall when it comes to knowing people, that no matter how hard I try, I can't let it down. I don't know why it's there...what is it that I'm afraid of?? I suppose it could be that my whole life, things usually went like this: Year #1-I don't know anyone, Year #2- I make a few friends, Year #3, we move, and so on and so forth (my Dad was in the military)...I've never lived anywhere longer than 3 years (except for N.C., where I lived till I was 11), and the last place I lived, up in V.A., we only lived there 2 and a half years...it was an earlier than usual move as my Dad lost his airline job with the events of 9/11. As it is, I have only been where I live now for the past YEAR AND A HALF. I don't really know if this is the reason why I have a hard time getting close to people- but it seems like it plays a part in it.

And I was also jealous becasue I saw just how easily this girl could converse with not only guys, but PEOPLE...there were also girls I had known longer than her (She met most of them for the first time that weekend- in fact, she hadn't wanted to go until she found out I was going; how ironic), but the girls I met and I never got on the same deep/close level that I saw her do...in fact, EVERYONE seemed to find at least one person they connected with really well.

I felt hurt and angry at myself for not knowing what to say...it wasn't that I didn't try, or that everyone was unfriendly. I met alot of really nice people, and we talked for awhile, and I was more outgoing than usual in that I walked up to people and just introduced myself, I think I met/already knew just about everyone there (there were around 60 people at least). But all we talked about was school and work, and then I would leave and meet someone else.

I don't know how to change this about myself...getting so easily jealous of people, and also, getting deeper in relationships. I don't know how to let that wall down...but today, I took the first step at least.

I felt God reminding me that it is a sin to be jealous and that I needed to give it up, and not ONLY that, but go over to her and confess to her that I had been jealous of her...He told me to do this Saturday, but I just couldn't do it. I thought, "why does she have to know God?? What difference will it make??? I'll just apologize to her and still be jealous everytime I see her. I can't seem to change that...I don't know HOW to change that. I will still be the same quiet person I am." But then I started thinking, "okay, I guess I'll try it."

But then I started making deals with God, "okay, I'll do it if you give me a sign...(which is WRONG) if they sing another praise song, I'll go tell her now"(which they didn't), so I didn't tell her...but God kept telling me to go, and I continued to try to find another way out..."well, there's just not enough time...oh, but if I go tell her, she'll think I'm crazy...Oh but if I go tell her, everyone will hear because it's quiet right now."

But FINALLY, I went up to her and told her, during the little communion service we had today. I couldn't get it ALL out...all I really said was, "I'm sorry I haven't been nice/talking to you, I'm just jealous, because all the guys love you..." She was surprised. She hadn't even realized I was mad at her...and then we prayed together...she actually told me that when she sees me, she sees a girl that has it all together...I don't know HOW she got that idea. If that's true, I'd be the most popular person because people like to be around people like that...so I kinda think she was just saying that to be nice...but who knows.

I only wish I had done this sooner, I could've been alot more fun to hang around, because it was only like 15 mins later that I felt SOO much more happy, and God lifted that burden. Just imagine...I could've saved myself SOO many hours of heartache, not only this weekend, but from things in the past with her.

I guess a few people either noticed a change in me, or felt sorry for me (probably the latter since I had been crying with the girl over in the corner during communion) afterwards...one guy I didn't even talk to the whole weekend came up to me and said he was glad I had come (Here's how THAT conversation went, Him: "hey, did you have a good time this weekend?" Me: "yeah, I really did. How about you?" Him: "Yeah, it was good." Me: "Good." And then he said, "I'm glad you came." and left...later on, when we all got off the bus, he gave me a hug goodbye. MAN, what a sorry conversation; I WANTED to say more, but I seriously just couldn't think of anything else to ask, and it was kinda pointless since we were all leaving anyhow), and the one guy that kinda triggered it all started talking to me again.

And I DID make some new friends; not as deep as I wanted to, but there is still time for that!! It's not like I will never see them again- we all go to 1 of 2 schools in the area, so I should be bumping into them again sometime.

I still had a few little twinges later on, and I don't think it'll go away automatically, but at least I took the first step by obeying God...I'm excited to see what the next step is, and hopefully it won't take me so long to take it.

I decided today, so WHAT if I'm not the most outgoing girl in the world, I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, I don't have blonde hair and blue eyes, I don't have a bubbly, peppy, or an always-cheerful personality?? And currently, only those who are willing to work at it can get to know me...no matter how much I really want to know THEM, the words don't usually come out, and they usually give up...there was only one guy who persistently tried for over 6 months...and I truly regret that we never became friends (I actually liked this guy)...but that's another story I'd rather not go into.

I'm the way I am for a reason. I don't know what that reason is. And sometimes I wish I could at least have been blessed with a great personality if I didn't get the luck of being born blonde. :P But for some reason, God has me where I'm at...I realize there are somethings I DO need to change about myself...I need to have more JOY, and from that will come alot of the other things...but I also realize it's impossible for me to completely change from being a quiet person. That will probably always be a part of me, and I just have to learn how to accept that and move on, and try to get to know people the best that I possibly can and not worry about the way other people interact and how different I am from that.

I also need to keep remembering that it doesn't do me any good to worry about who's talking to whom- God works out all the friendships and details anyway, and I know He's got a great plan for my life...Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and give you a hope." That verse is what gives me hope that maybe I'll get better.

|
previous † next

© copyright 2004 by cDesigns host: diaryland